| | Current Music: | amiee mann - the fall of the world's own optimist | | Subject: | heaven and hell | | Time: | 09:43 am | | Current Mood: | hungover |
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| | i found myself going to a pre-pride party last night up in twin peaks. the theme was heaven and hell - angels and demons. yikes. i "themed" pre-pride party. i wore a jesus shirt, cute jeans, and big leather boots and called it a night. i knew there would be one too many angel wings slapping people in the face and let's face it, i'm not that gay. on more than one occasion i had to politely turn down body glitter. the party was jumpin. i didn't know anyone but the people i came with. i met people hesitantly, still wondering why i had a hard time meeting people. i guess i'm just not terribly good at small talk. "are you in the city? where? how's life treating you? what are you studying in school again?..." it all seems a little trite to me. when someone asks me where i live in the city i give a smirk, knowing the tell tale signs of small talk. i answer and we chat briefly and ambiguosly, then they politely excuse themselves to get a drink, or go to the bathroom, or greet their friend that just entered the room. aside from my short comings with actually meeting people i managed to have a pretty great time - a smashing start to the pride weekend. | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | blue merle...again | | Subject: | the star... | | Time: | 01:03 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) contemplative |
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| i went to the gym tonight after i got out of class. i figured that after four grueling hours of intense american poetry i needed to let off some steam. as mentioned before in my previous entry i haven't been having the best of days, and in some cases i've been having downright shitty days. not that my days are actually shitty, just that i can't pull my head out of my ass. it's been burried so far in my hurt and some days there's not much to do to pull it out. needless to say i was in need of some inspiration...or at least a slap in the face. tonight at the gym i recieved both in one fell swoop. walking in i greeted friends and did a quick cruise (hey, it is the castro damnit). i headed to the locker room and chose a locker from the hundreds that are offered. i opened it and noticed a large patterned playing card which i recognized immedietly as the back of a tarot card. i pensively picked it up and turned it over. staring back at me was "the star."
it's gonna be all right yea? | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | i was dating a boy who lived in ohio for some time. he was my world. i envisioned a life with him. there were kids and homes and happy anniverseries in our future. then he decided he no longer wanted to share in my vision. i keep trying to tell myself that it's him and not me, and that i'm a really good person and he just can't see that - that he's young and emotionally inept and selfish. it's been a weird hard road to get back to some normality. the other night i went to read his blog (because i enjoy pain and suffering) only to find that he has started dating someone else. ouch. i had the pleasure of reading it in the early morning, which meant an entire day's worth of suffering. my only solace was a wonderfully entertaining french film that i ducked into to avoid the heart wrenching pain i was feeling. you'd think that after all these months had gone by i'd be somewhat further along in my healing process. i was walking through the castro, all abustle with energy for the upcoming pride weekend, with horribly depressing music in my ears from my horribly depressing i pod, crying, with a hat pulled down far enough so as no one could see. how long is this think gonna take? and how long can i keep thinking deep down that he's going to come around and drop it all for me - for us? and where is my strength now? | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | when all things are done, and time has continued to move with no end in sight, where are the words to capture it all? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| irritated longing
to satiate mornings tasteful knowledge
fruit that hasn't rotten but still
past the prime of ripeness
to where does nose telling and ears
revealing lead to the path of
righteous men with their
ideas of pain
this mundane feeling - this
hated thing has ilked it's way
into my patronage
am i now to court his lonely speed? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | tv chatter | | Subject: | going home... | | Time: | 01:18 am | | Current Mood: | contemplative |
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| it's been eight months since i've last been home to cleveland. how weird to think i'll be there in less than a week. i'm not sure what to expect as i am not the same person i was. in fact, i am a completely different person. how odd to think of slipping back into the life i once knew...the friendships, the relationships, the bars, weather, family, cars, roads, stores, drama, life.
i think about how much i've grown, how much i've learned about myself and life and how much i still have yet to discover. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | i miss the pieces of me. i miss the people that i called home. i feel lost without them. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| when we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. when, after a few years, or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame it on our partners and take up with someone more promising. this can go on and on...until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to elude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.
tom robbins taken from still life with woodpecker | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | royksopp - live show on bbc | | Time: | 09:57 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) cheerful |
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| there are so many things that happened since the last time i posted i'm not sure if i should go back and reccount them all. perhaps it's possible to tell the abridged account - or just the sordid details.
i flew from sf to cleveland on the 7th of september to pack all my shit up and move it across the country. it was hard. very hard. if i wouldn't have had some amazing friends to help i think i would still be crying on my apartment floor in cleveland not knowing which way was up, down, or san francisco. i set off on the 8th of september at 4 in the f-ing morning and headed to austin texas (we were dropping off a friend who was sharing our small yet cozy uhaul with us - there were three - the other going to san francisco with me) we drove 25 endless hours and pulled into austin at 5am. by this time i had consumed so much red bull i wasn't sure if i was awake or sleep or dead or high. i fell into bed and awoke at 11pm only to pack up and start all over again. we headed to tuscon - we said fuck the drive straight through thing - let's stop in the desert and find a fucking pool. that we did. god did it feel good to swim in the desert heat. we stayed the night and through the next afternoon and set off for la. pulling in late at night into our friends house - i had had enough with the driving. i was done. we graciously slept on couches and floors and woke up early for the last leg of our journey, and in 6 short hours we were crossing the bay bridge. how glorious it felt to be home. it did feel like home when i caught my first glimpse of the fog - the bridge - the transamerica building - it all felt like home.
my birthday was on the 26th of september - which happened to fall on one of the largest leather events in the world - the folsom street fair. i walked up to the fair around noon and already there were over 100,000 people there. it took almost 30 minutes to walk the 8 blocks that housed the fair. booths were set up selling the latest fetish gear, showing naked porn stars, spanking and whipping, djs spun blissed out grooves, men wore leather and little else, and everyone felt, if only for a short time, that being a freak was ok. we made it to the end where we stopped at met a friend for a drink. not having eaten much that day it spun me a bit. needless to say after the drink my clothes came off. i continued on in a jockstrap and boots - which is pretty on par for me. we danced a bit - watched the cage dancers who were being held over the crowd by a large crane - swinging the cage precariously back and forth over the dancing mass. i met a guy and got his number but never called him. i got a lot of attention with my ass hanging out. most of them were touching my legs and bulge in my jock - which i gracioulsy let them. how could i turn them down on this of all days? we ducked out around 5 or so (by this time there were over 400,000 people there) and i headed home for a well deserved nap. i headed out that night to the real bad ball - my friend bought me a vip ticket. nothing will replace the image of 5,000 sweaty muscle leather men grinding and dancing in drug induced unison. i dropped a pill (it was my birthday i had to) and we danced for a while. i fell into bed around 2 exhausted but loving sf even more than ever.
the love parade came! and conquered! on october 2 the love parade made it's way to downtown sf to celebrate itself. after being cancelled in berlin this year it was decided to finally try it stateside. the promoters were expecting a small but enthusiastic turnout. my friend anthony and roomate rose and myself headed up to the parade to check it out. we never expected there to be more than 200,000 people scrambling through downtown to see the parade, follow the parade, and dance the day away where the parade stopped at the sbc ballpark center. 25 floats, each with their own dj, all playing in a large space all at the same time...it's was pretty amazing. you could walk from one song into another and another - until you found something you liked. the vibe was great and the music was wicked hot and my roomate swears who saw orland bloom. i had to head out early to get to work (she works hard for the money)
that's the big things that have happened up till now. were going through a very messy roomate switch - we're kicking one out and hoping to find another one. he's angry and making it difficult, but if he woulnd't have been selling drugs out of our apartment none of this would have happened. i met a boy - a very beautiful and amazing boy. more of that to come. work is good - money is ok - although i seem to be stretched pretty thin nowadays. the weather is amazing! today it's supposed to be in the 70s. i am going to suntan today - and i hear it's going to know in ohio this weekend. ah, this is one of the reasons i moved here. i'm mkaing friends - good friends. i started running again. i was going to try and run the marathon on the 24th of october, but realizing that was a crazy asuption seeing as i have not been training regularly, i have decided to push back my marathon date to later on next year.
that is all for now...i just needed to bring it all up to date. this is me. i am good. yes, i am good. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | gabriel and dresden - essential mix | | Time: | 01:01 am | | Current Mood: | thoughtful |
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| foreign flame
trusted moment
seldom know or to hear that seldom did he think of me
now thinking thoughts of needing to please - to measure and will him pleasure for future memories are forged today
not withstanding the logic to meld the space to the heart's remembering
brought lunar morality to an all time high - leaving black blacker than dark black's thoughts
never once to place hidden tasks unseen in time's circumstance
bold lies uncover the meaning of truth
hated power pervesian pondering the feeling of being knowing holding my breath until the air revives
empowered halts the fevering touch of what tomorrow's containing attains something that much higher
when lovers lusty fingers twine and stretch for moonbeams that shone only fot them inside this moment
knowing the city of forever backs the star crossed duo - pushing and pulling while sreaming silence for none to hear
broken lost calling to no one in particular hides the glance towards forever cities past - of futures once within grasp
yet somehow lost and needing to fill the void somewhere so deep inside - placing the heated expanse - the guilty past tense
brought down below the thoughts of tonight - uplifting the source of doubt
reminded that loneliess if fleeting - forever is attainable - mostly that home is wherever i am. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| bright things - shiny things
toys that emerge playful images to boundless lost boys
wonderous playtime full of no nonsense blues
and me in the epicenter lost
willing my limbs to move to try to listen
seeing that and hearing that and feeling that volitile caress
purge forth the wonder if the wonder still calls me home
lost reside - i conceede forth to bring yet no more
still haunted by the vision of how i was supposed to be
outright colorful residual wonderful resounding weathered and wandering
explanation since days toil and i am slowly nothing
touch feel breathe live
knowing the heat that loving brings my lips devoid of kiss
my heart devoid of tread my day deviod of many
only to realize that it is me who lives on
changed | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | real ibiza 4 - baleric bliss | | Time: | 09:40 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) lonely |
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| for most people, self awareness and self - pity blossom simultaneously in early adolesence. it's about that time we start viewing the world as something other than the whoop-de-do playground, we start to experience personally how threatening it can be, how cruel and unjust. at the very moment we become for the first time, both introspectiveand socially concientious, we recieve the news that the world, by and large, doesn't give a rat's ass. even an old [woman] like me can recall how painful, scary, and dillusioning that realization was. so, there's the tendancy, then, to slpi into a rage and self-pity, which, if indluged, can fester into bouts of depression...now, unless someone stronger and wiser a friend, a parent, a novelist, filmaker, teacher, or musician - can josh us out of it, can elevate us and show us how petty and pompous and momumentally useless it is to take ourselves so seriously, then depression can become a habit, which, in turn, can produce and neurologival imprint. are you with me? gradually, our brain chemistry becomes conditioned to react to negative stiumli in a particualr, predictable way. one ting'll go wrong and it'll automatically swithc on it's blender and mix us that black cocktail. the ol' doomsday daquiri, and before we know it, we're soused to the gills from the inside out. once depression has become eletronically integrated, it can be exremely difficult to philisophically or psychologically override it; by then it's playing the physical rules, a whoel different ball game. that's why...every time you've shown signs of feeling sorry for yourself , i've played my blues record really loud or read to you from the hourse'es mouth. and that's why hen you've exhibited the slightest tendancy toward self-importance, i've reminded you that you and me - you and i: excuse me - may be every bit as important as the president, or the pope or the biggest prime-time icon in hollywood, but that non of us is much more than a pimple on the ass-end of creation, so lets' not get carried away with ourselves. preventitive medicine, boy. it's preventitive medicine.
taken from "fierce invalids home from hot climates" by time robbins. i thought it to be quite fitting today of all days. all is good - as good as it can be at a moment like this. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| once left once said
all i can think of is the smile and smell
the way you tasted when you were still good
the way you held me when you still cared
the way i feel now when i lay down to sleep at night
when the loneliness invades my thinking
and wonder leaves me breathless thinking
where it seems that i went wrong
i need something i am not getting and i'm not quite sure what that is. I have been having some amazing experiences here and meeting some great new people - but something is missing. i always thought i was cleveland, but i guess now i have to realize that it's me. why did i think that moving would change everything? that location dictated who i was and who i would become. that all of a sudden my "in a state of constant search" would somehow find a goal. that my life would somehow find it's meaning. that my soul would somehow find it's happiness. last night when i was walking down from the hugeantic hill from twin peaks - i had to walk right through the castro (the gay) district...on a friday night. there were crowds of people outside, talking, laughing, meeting up, hanging out - and i walked right through it - wanting to somehow be a part of it, yet at the same time not knowing how to break in. everyone had their own friends and groups and places - how is an insider to become a part of an existing group? what's the magic word? simon says? abraca-fucking-dabra? i've been going out of my way to meet people but it seems that i'm attracting only the men that want sex - no real friends. granted i've been here all of 10 days and i'm spouting the word "true friends." i knew that this beggining phase would be hard. i had accepted that i would be lonely and on more than one occasion want to come home. even knowing does not make this any easier. it does not make it hurt any less. night time is the worst time for me here. i can't call anyone i know because if it's midnight here then it's three am where all my friends are. i hate complaining on here. i hate the fact that i'm in this city with what i expect to be an amazing array of really great people, surrounded by all these wonderful things and places, and i'm whining about being lonely. i almost feel wrong. that i should not be feeling like this - like i am wasting my situation. if only i could take a select few friends and import them here with me, i would be appriciated. would that then defeat the purpose of moving in the first place? is that the point to move? to leave everyone and everything behind? and how then do i find myself? is it when i am truely alone that i will begin to discover me? | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | last night i went for a walk. now when i saw walk i mean walk. a hill - stretched over 6 agaonizing blocks - only to find yet another hill - this one for a mere two blocks. all in all, i managed to walk my ass up to almost the highest point in the city - twin peaks. when i got a bridge overpass i saw two things i have never seen before. one was a street that wasn't really a street - but stairs. where do you live? i live on mono st. (not st as in streeet but st as in stairs) it was pretty wild. i then looked out over the city and stopped dead in my tracks. it was so clear. it was so bright. it was so amazing. the music playing from my discman was right on cue - playing the simply wonderful Sigur-ros - and i swear it was the closest thing to a relegious experience that i've ever had. i cried. i cried the whole time up there, and the whole way down. it was amazing.
i'm sure i made the right decision moving. this city is so me - it's the place i thought it was - it's really as great as everyone told me. but i've been having some serious doubts lately. do you know what i realized when i left? what hit me as being blatently obvious the entire time i lived my taken-for-granted life? my friends are amazing. the people i have known - the ones i have come in contact with - the people that have touched my life and my memories - everyone of them is so amazing - and i just left every single one of them. not only that but it's at a time when i'm very new here and don't have many friends is any. it makes me question why i came here. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| sorry it's been a while since i've posted but it's been hard to use a computer for an extended period of time here - mine is still in ohio and until i drive the bitch cross country in 2 weeks i guess these wil have to be shortbut sweet.
first and foremost - san francisco is amazing! the city itself is just breathtaking. a city full of hills. who though such a thing would be enjoyable. it's amazing ho beautiful hills are - within a city. at night, the hill rising above the castro district - lights abalze took my breath away that first night in town.
second - the people here are fucking cool. no where else can i shop at safeway and see a man in chaps - or a bald woman holding hands with one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen holding a baby. people generally don't give a shit. you could be almost anything here and no one would think twice.
third - i am so uncomfortable. i am put in this brand new place with all new people and am forced to make it worthwhile to me. this is the hard but fun part. i'm making friends easily - more easily than i though i would. i'm meeting guys - alot easier than i expected. but have yet to go on a a date.
no on to the good stuff : my happenings.
i decided to hop out for "one" with my roomie and her friends on saturday. we decided to go to PINK, a local bar that had somehow turned ultra-trendy with an even trendier fag running the door. he was obviously on a power trip. the door would open and sweet funky house music filtered out onto the waiting crowd (there must have been close to 20 of us) but the door guy was being a prick. he was letting slect few in, and being very pretentious in the process. when rose (my roomie) asked him what the door policy was - how he chose to let people in, he replied "whoever i want". she called him a gay mon and we moved on in search of something a bit more welcoming. we were trying to find a club whose name i can't even remember and we ended up in SOMA (south of market) and parked - looking for a bar that didn't charge an cover. we stumbled up BAR ANU and went inside. what hit my ears was the sweetestdarkestdeepestbreakiest house i've ever heard. the decor was very impressive as well and i made my way to the dancefloor - which wasn't much bigger than my bedroom. the enitre thing felt like you were partying in a friends basement - or your dentist office. we danced for about a half hour and then they brought the lights up which signaled our departure and the end of my first real night out in the city. i was comforted to know that there would indeed by many more to come.
more to come. i know you want to hear more. i will not wait long my dears. farewell. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | i flew all day - i met my new roomates - and am getting ready to sleep some san francisco zzz's. my roomates are very cool - they picked me up at the airport and took me by the hand back to our place. it was overwelming and a lil scary - but they were expert tour guides. i changed and then off to take a little tour of the city - throught the castro and to a little great restaurant. i had amazing filet tips and farfalli and the three of us downed 2 carafs of sangria - some of the best i ever had. then back to the house for some well deserved rest. i start hard rock tomorrow morning and some more "getting to know the city" more later - i need to sleep. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | three days from now i will reluntantly yet optimistically get on a plane headed for my new life. i'll put my things on this metal phenoix and wish for seven hours that i will not die in a firey ball of twisted metal. this place - the place where i am to begin anew and fresh - this place full of oppurtunity; doors that i hope are to open into something new - not necessary better or grand, just new and uncomfortable. for the past week the word on my mind has been comfort and conversely discomfort. one of the biggest reasons for leaving is becuase it was just too comfortable. i had everything there for me. jobs, money, friends, tricks, love, etc... and i had no real chance to grow as a person. as much as i love having that feeling of comfort i also need to feel discomfort to truely appriciate comfort. to quote a bad yet so good adam sandler flick - was it adam sandler? someone help me out on this "you can't taste the sweet without tasting the bitter." god that didn't come out as good as it sounded - let me assure you it was very pertant and well spoken in the movie; whichever that may be. so sf at first will be very bitter - very uncomfortable - very scary and imposing - and on more than one occasion i will probably check the plane schdule to fly home before my next scheduled visit. but it will be a test to see if i can make the most out of the bitter - and have it teach me how to more value my comfort whenever and wherever it may come to fruition. in some ways it feels as if i'm going home. in others it feels like i'm taking the first step of an incredibly indescribable journey with no limits or boundries. either way i will have stories to fill the pags of lj - one things for sure - i better have an audiance! | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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